The Seven Dwarfs of PMS

I found this on Craigslist and thought it was great. Enjoy.

The 7 Dwarfs of PMS
1 Weepy...Usually the first Dwarf to rear its ugly head especially if there is a "touching" moment during things like TV commercials that you ordinarily would not look at twice. This is a sure sign that the rest of the gang can't be too far behind.

2 Piggy... Piggy has quite an appetite for sweet and salty foods. Piggy can usually be found trying to calm down Weepy and make her smile. Piggy is Weepy's best friend but will go overboard in trying to help. If Piggy doesn't watch out then Bloaty is sure to visit.

3 Bloaty... Bloaty comes to town to bitch slap Piggy for chowing down one too many chips. Bloaty takes her job seriously and once she comes to the party she is one of the last to leave. Unfortunately Bloaty wakes the evilest dwarf of them all...Bitchy

4 Bitchy...This bad boy is sometimes referred to as THE Terminator. Don't mess with this character for she is prone to hissy fits. Bitchy takes no prisoners and usually makes no apologies. This evil-doer is likely to have Weepy watching her back and backing her up at any moment so beware. Just when you think you know what Bitchy is bitching about, Weeping will come on the scene and confuse you. Then there is a possibility that you will be the one saying "I'm Sorry".

5 Horny...This one has quite the appetite of a different kind. This creature has been known to have horny hormone levels that rival many 18 year old boys. Bitchy tries her hardest to keep Horny hidden from view. Weepy can sometimes keep Bitchy at bay long enough for Horny to make her move and be satisified. Men, you need to know that she exists and loves to come out to play.

6 Crampy...Never a welcome addition. But Crampy is usually a clear sign that Red-Tide will be here soon. Crampy can really get Bitchy going even worse than Bloaty. One of the best ways to soothe Crampy's attacks is to let Horny do her thing. Sometimes it might be best to sleep through Crampy's visits.

7 Red-Tide... While this character can sometimes be out of control and a messy trouble maker she is always an inevitable and sometimes welcome guest. But once she makes her appearance the end is always in sight. And unfortunately once she makes it onto the scene the others make an extra effort to be noticed and primary.

Today = Meh

Sam is getting sprayed in the face with pepper spray today for police academy and I have an eye twitch from all the shit I have to do for school & work.

But Phoebe is sitting on my lap being very cute chewing on my hair, so things even out.

The Unlikeliest of Places...

I came to a startling realization today for no reason what so ever. I am in that specific group of people who have seen Vin Diesel do something and said "hey, I could do that."

In my defense, it was when he was in Pitch Black and had not yet reached the rock star status that only Chuck Norris can dream of.










Teach me, oh sensei.

Murphy, I Am Your Bitch

Let me tell you how my week has gone.

Tuesday: I had a big midterm Tuesday evening, so I was getting my stuff ready to go study for a few hours with Abbie. As I was pulling my study guide out out of the printer I noticed 30-40 bugs crawling out of the wall. Yes, we had termites. The maintenance guys came over and killed them and I believe the exterminator was here yesterday, but we still have holes in our wall where they were coming through. We spent the night with Sam's mom Tuesday, because ew, gross.

Thursday: I woke up with the worst migriane I've ever had. I also threw up twice and ran a fever. Fun. Sam came home at lunch and found me on the floor in the bathroom. He stayed home for part of the afternoon and took care of me. It was sweet. I finally started feeling better (yay, no hospital trip!) so he went back to school.

Today I'm ok, but my hair is falling out. It's been doing it for a while, but for some reason, today it's really bad. I'm thinking about getting it cut short. Then, at least, there will be short hairs everywhere, not long ones.

Longing for Yore

Remember the good 'ole days when I used to post endlessly about What I Do When I'm at Work (don't forget parts 2, 3, and 4)? Yes, well now that question is answered by such fun as "coding variables into SPSS", "scoring grant applications", "making copies", and the ever popular "catching up on my readings for class." Ah, if only I knew how good I had it.

However, there is one phenomenon that is sweeping the Jackson-Browning household: Splash Back. Anytime there is a lull, however brief, this game is being played on someone's computer. I must admit, Sam is better. He got to level 18 today. I've only gotten to 13 once, I think.

Play it. Then hate me.

Yea, you're welcome.

Life Lesson

Never put a slightly skiddish cat on a retractable leash.

It's just a bad idea.

Phoebe (said slightly skiddish cat) loves going outside. It's her new favorite thing ever. So, not wanting her to get lost/go into the pool area when we take her outside, Sam and I bought her a retractable leash. We got the smallest one, but they don't make them for cats (should've been our first clue) so we had to get the kind for small dogs. I put it on her the next day to take her outside, and she HATED it. She rolled and fought and tried to get it off. But she loved going outside. (I could see her little kitty conflict playing out) I finally figured out that because she's so small, the leash was pulling her collar a lot and kind of choking her. So, I pulled it all the way out and locked it, so she could just run around as far as the leash would let her. She liked this a lot more.

That was late last week. Yesterday (Sunday), Sam and I put her on the leash and went out on the patio to study. She was running around pouncing on bugs and having a good time, so I put the end of the leash down and let her run uninhibited, but we could still catch the end of the leash if she started to get too far away. When she realized that the leash handle would move when she got so far away, she started chasing it a little. Mostly in a weird circle around Sam's chair. She got tired of that pretty quickly and went back to pouncing on bugs and eating grass. There were a couple of times where she went too far, and we had to retrieve her, but otherwise, it was going quite well.

Until -

Somehow she dragged the leash handle over a rock or obstacle that hit the lock button and caused the leash to start retracting. She apparently thought that it was chasing her. She took off around the side of the house, and Sam and I jumped up to catch her. We got to the sidewalk and she was gone. Half second of panic and we see her streak around the other side of the building and into the apartment. We ran in and found her puffed up and cowering in the corner of the kitchen. Sam reached down to get her and the leash handle moved - she bolted again. This time we found her in the bedroom, with the handle almost up to her collar. We finally got the leash off and tried to calm her down, but she was having none of that. She went into the bathroom and just kind of huddled there for a little while.

After calming her down, Sam and I went back outside to study. We left the back door open, to see if she wanted to come out again. She didn't. Pretty much the farthest she got was sitting in the doorway looking out.

Needless to say, the leash has been retired.

I Gave Up Coffee for Lent

What the hell was I thinking?

Now, I'm not a very religious person, so it may come as a suprise to some of you that I observe Lent. However, I am very spiritual. I also believe in sacrifice. I observe Lent to remember to be thankful for everything I have. During Lent, I sacrifice something of importance to remember how little I could have - I could have nothing to sacrifice. As much as I don't have, I could have so much less. I always need to remember this.

This is why I observe Lent.

Make It Work

I'm officially at my limit. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm overworked. I'm underpaid. I'm under...slept...

You get it.

I never really get any quality time with Sam. Either he's asleep or I'm asleep or one or both of us are studying. I don't get to do anything fun. And I still feel like I'm fucking everything up. I don't feel 100% about anything I've done so far this semester. Nothing. I'm ready to throw in the towel. Seriously, I'm almost at that point. One more email saying Come see me, we need to talk about this and I'm out.

Done.

And the apartment smells like crap because I never have time to clean. Just add it to the list, I'll get around to it sooner or later.

It's a Red Letter Day in Mayberry

Don Knotts, one of the greatest comedic actors of all time, has died in a Los Angeles hospital aged 81. He's most loved for playing Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show, but he's been in many movies and also co-stared on Three's Company.

Goodbye Bernie. We'll miss you.

Keith Olbermann is My New Hero

I have to start watching Countdown on MSNBC. I've seen too many good clips of Keith Olbermann to ignore it any longer.

This clip proves that Keith Olbermann deserves to be my new hero.

The More Pathetic Side of My Life

I am addicted to the most ridiculous game ever. Let me introduce you to Fish Tycoon. The premise of Fish Tycoon is that you, the game player, are too lazy and stupid to actually have real live fish, so you download a computer game where you simulate having live fish. The simulated live fish (simufish, if you will) must be fed in order to "stay alive" and sometimes you must actually give them medicine because they get gross green or white spots on them. Or if you don't want to spend the "money" for medicine, you can just trash them.

The "object" of the game is to "discover" new "breeds" of fish by "impregnating" one fish with another fish. Once the baby fish gets "old" enough, you can see what kind it is and what kind it's "parents" were. You can also sell fish and make "money" to improve your "tank" and buy more fish stuff. The game goes in real time so the fish grow, get hungry, and die even when the game isn't on (like real fish).

After many rounds of impregnating and selling various fish, you might have a beautiful "tank" of simufish to enjoy.
But don't take my word on how great this game is - here are some real quotes from people who have played the game:

This game is great. Its so much fun to have virtual
fish, because they don't make a mess. Fish Ivr, Texas
It is the best fish game I ever played Frank, Albany

Of course, the most fun part about it for me is waking up in the morning to see how many of my fish have died in my sleep.

My Own Slice of Heaven

I am currently in Panera Bread simultaneously listening to my iPod, blogging, working on school stuff that is fast approaching overdue-ness, and enjoying unlimited Diet Coke and coffee (separate cups - I'm not that odd) refills for as long as I continue to sit here. How could life get sweeter?

Due to the free Wi-Fi and afore mentioned drinks, Panera has now become my place of choice to do school work. I can't focus when I'm at home because of the numerous distractions that are my life. I tried going to the library one day and it was alright, it's just that there aren't unlimited cups of coffee at the library.

Playing the Fame Game

Here's an interesting article comparing the "antics" of Mr. Cheney and Mrs. Spears-Federline to two everyday "criminals."

Very interesting indeed.

Batchin it

Since about 3:00 today, Phoebe and I have been on our own. Sam's in Forsyth for training until Wednesday night. Since I have had about six and a half hours of "me time" I can tell you something - I'm not a good "alone" person. It feels like I've been in this apartment for DAYS when in fact, it has been just an hour since I got back from the grocery store.

I have no focus either. I'm supposed to be doing reading for my class tomorrow since I have about 100 pages left to read but all I can do is watch TV and drink Diet Coke.

I've got to get myself together. It's going to be a long 3 days.

More List O'Doom

So, honestly, I forgot about O'Reilly's "Media Operations that Traffic in Defamation" a.k.a "List O'Doom." I was scrolling through my backlog of posts and came across the one I wrote about said List O'Doom. And being the curious creature that I am, I wanted to see what other appalling publications had made the list (before the list contained such highly despicable filth mongers such as the The New York Times, The St. Petersburg Times, and MSNBC).

Lo and behold, four more names have appeared since last I checked! Wee! Now we have The New Yorker Magazine, Newsday, US News & World Report, and (duh duh duuuuhn) The Atlanta Journal-Constitution! Now, all of us Georgians know how vile and loathsome the AJC is. Personally, I can barely stand to see it around. I mean, when we got it for free in college, I could hardly stand to read it two or three times a week (or basically as often as I could find it lying around - the newspaper racks emptied quickly).

Now, looking at this list, I have to wonder - what have St. Petersburg, New York, and Atlanta done to make O'Reilly so mad? Why haven't other city papers been singled out? I would think that The Washington Post would've made the list long ago. And even a paper from San Fransisco, the city he offered up to terrorists, hasn't been named yet.

Any bets as to who gets named next?

More Poignant Than Ever

I know this is old and has been circling the net for a while, but it just seems so much truer today...

This One's For You, Elaine

From a piece of Dove candy:

Guess I'm an Idiot...

From Shakespear's Sister:

I’m not being self-deprecating; Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia told me I’m an idiot.

People who believe the Constitution would break if it didn't change with society are "idiots," U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says.

In a speech Monday sponsored by the conservative Federalist Society, Scalia defended his long-held belief in sticking to the plain text of the Constitution "as it was originally written and intended."

… Scalia criticized those who believe in what he called the "living Constitution."

"That's the argument of flexibility and it goes something like this: The Constitution is over 200 years old and societies change. It has to change with society, like a living organism, or it will become brittle and break."

"But you would have to be an idiot to believe that," Scalia said. "The Constitution is not a living organism, it is a legal document. It says something and doesn't say other things."

Like, for example, how it says that black people constitute not a whole person, but three-fifths of a person. Or it did, anyway, until an amendment was made, superceding that despicable sentiment.

"They are not looking for legal flexibility, they are looking for rigidity, whether it's the right to abortion or the right to homosexual activity, they want that right to be embedded from coast to coast and to be unchangeable," he said.

Here’s where Scalia and the rest of the “originalists” get it wrong: The issue is not that the Constitution will break if it does not change with society; it’s that society will break if the Constitution does not change. We had a civil war in this country over that very principle. We cannot stop society from changing; no rule, no law, no legal document no matter how firm can stop the inevitable progression of society. All we can do is make decisions about who and what we will accommodate within the law; choosing to restrict rights on the basis of race, or gender, or sexuality, will not temper the desire of the repressed to be equal, but instead force strain at society’s margins, until it breaks.

There must be a reason beyond distaste, aesthetic displeasure, tradition, or “because my god says so” for denying equality, opportunity, and personal freedom. In the void of rational reason, we find no compelling necessity to continue to deny to some the rights that we extend to others.

I see no reason to imbue the government with the decision about what a woman should do with her body—or what a man should do with his, for that matter. I see no reason that someone who loves a person of the same sex, by fate or by choice, should be prohibited from enjoying the same rights as I have. I see no reason that the Constitution should be used as a vice to control the expanding vibrancy of our society. If that makes me an idiot, then an idiot I shall be.

And all the idiots said Amen.

Happy Valentine's Day

And Here It Is... Your Moment of Zen

The Daily Show for Monday, February 13th.

Surely to go down as one of my favorite TV episodes EVER.

And, yes. I watched it last night. It was yummy.

My Week is Made

Cheney accidentally shoots hunting companion.

Icing:
"Now I understand why Dick Cheney keeps asking me to go hunting with him," said Jim Brady. "I had a friend once who accidentally shot pellets into his dog - and I thought he was an idiot."
"I've thought Cheney was scary for a long time," Sarah Brady said. "Now I know I was right to be nervous."

Shakespeare's Sister has this picture and copy (which I love love love):
Vice President Dick Cheney, center, accepts a rifle from National Rifle Association President Kayne Robinson, right, and NRA Vice President Wayne R. LaPierre, after concluding his keynote address to the 133rd annuanl NRA convention in this April 17, 2004 file photo in Pittsburgh. Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, his spokeswoman said Sunday Feb. 12, 2006. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar, File)

I'm so happy.

Blame it on the iPod

Hello, my name is Emily and I'm a podcast-aholic. It's great. It's crazy. I wish I had more. My current list is:
HBO: Real Time with Bill Maher
NPR: African-American Roundtable
NPR: Pop Culture
NPR: Story of the Day
NPR: Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
Project Runway: Tim Gunn (Elaine, it's awesome! You have to listen!)
Sit Down Comedy with David Steinberg
The L Word
The Planet: A Podcast for L Word Fans!
Toucher, Jimmy and Leslie: Mornings on 99X
VH1 Best Night Ever
VH1 Best Week Ever

I'm sure there will be more added.

Bigotry Makes Me Ill

The other day on the drive to Auburn I saw a homemade sign hanging on a street sign. The homemade sign said "Jesus Loves Babies." I had two thoughts: 1) Who doesn't love babies? and 2) Wild guess - a anti-abortionist made that sign. That was pretty much the extent of my thought about it since it's pretty commonplace to see stuff like that down here in "God's country." A few miles down the road I saw another sign made in a similar form that read "Gays Fill Up Hell." I had a few thoughts about this one, most of which utilized my cunning wit ("what, so there's no room for you?", "how hard would it be to change 'gays' to 'close minded asshole bigots'?") but it also made me very angry. How dare they use a public sign to host their pretentious filth. How dare they force that bullshit down the throat of every person that drives down this road. As I became more and more irate about the situation, I made my mind up to take down the sign if it was still up the next time I drove by.

I drove by today and it was already down.

Score one for the good guys.

I *Heart* Gay TV!

I have two new TV loves. One is on the air, one is not. Both are courtesy of Showtime. My first favorite is Queer As Folk. I just bought seasons 1-3 on eBay for a freaking steal. (woohoo!) Now I just need the last two. The other one is The L Word. It's still on the air, but again, on Showtime so I can't watch.
I've downloaded almost all of both shows. It's how I get my fix.

The Annual Burning of the Christmas Tree: Oh My, What a Production

O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
Your usual splendor was not there.
O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
Overall, this year's event rates fair.
Your usual luster was forsaken
The fireworks, I'm afraid, have overtaken.
O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
The burn is about you, it just seems unfair.

O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
It used to be just you and the fire patrol
O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
Now the event has become out of control
With too many guests
It is now just a mess.
O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
And now twice as big is next year's goal.

O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
And now I must say adieu.
O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
I feel that we are now through.
This year may have been my last
The best burns, I'm afraid, are in the past.
O Christmas tree, burning Christmas tree
This simple song is my ode to you.

A Conundrum if There Ever Was

For about a week now I've had a cold. It's been quite a cold. Usually, when I have a cold or some other illness, I break my 'No Sodas' rule and have ginger ale. Well, I've been drinking diet ginger ale for a while now because it has no sugar and I like it. So I've broken the rule for it. But it's hard to find. So this cold has caused me to break my rule again (the bubbles in the carbonation help temporarily clear my stuffy nose, if you must know), and long story complicated - I'm now addicted to Diet Coke. So, the question is: now that I've already broken my rule for diet ginger ale, do I continue to break it (assuming this cold ever goes away) for my new Diet Coke addiction or do I go cold turkey?

Oh, this wretched life I lead...

I Hate You Anonymously

I recently came across Vent, an online vent site where you can say what you want about who you want and it is completely anonymous. It's pretty funny to scroll through some of them. Equally anonymous, but where others can comment about whatever you've said is Craigslist's Rants and Raves. I've linked to Atlanta's R&R page, but it's not as good as some of them. Atl's is mostly ignorant "I hate you cuz you're black/Mexican/gay/different." Some of the larger cities (San Fran, NY, etc.) are better.

You Don't Care, But I Do.

I get very nervous when any of my computer programs prompt me to "update." A new, supercool version of this program is available. Don't you want to upgrade? You don't want to be the only one with last year's version do you? *shudder*

It makes me nervous because, while sometimes they are new and improved, often they just suck and I hate them. So, I usually stick to my old tried and true version. However, I recently upgraded my iTunes to a new version and was pleasantly surprised, so, on a upgrade high, I did the same to my iMesh (how I get all my music and videos off the 'net).

*sigh* I should've known better. It's complete crap. I should've done my homework before and read some reviews of it. I did that afterwards and lo and behold, everyone hates it. Well damn. So I fiddled with it for about 30 seconds, after which I got pissed at it and promptly deleted the whole program. Now I have no way to get my fix. I'm looking for a place to get the older version. If I do, I'll never give it up.

Heavy with the Weight of God's Damnation

I (finally) finished Lamb. It's wonderful. I want everyone to read it and love it as I do.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep (as is evident by the title of this post. I felt the need to emphasize.). I miss my boyfriend. I miss my cat. I miss my bed. I don't particularly miss our loud upstairs neighbors who apparently think that moving furniture while wearing tap shoes is a grand idea, but the other stuff makes up for this one. Alack, alas.

Why is it that since I got out of the hospital everyone feels the need to tell me "don't do that again"? I can't tell you how many times I've heard "You really scared me/us. Don't do that again." I mean, I get it. I'm loved, everyone was worried and scared. But guys, it's not like I thought that getting my blood sugar over 700 would allow me to travel through time. If that was the case, then no, I wouldn't do that again. This was an accident; it was a weird combination of random events that caused me to get very very sick. Can't promise that's not going to happen again. Sorry, but it's true.

Ok, I'm done.

I'm sorry. I know you guys love me. I'm just venting. After all, it is 3 am. I'm officially allowed. Look it up. I dare you.

I Think You Should Be Aware of This Stuff

Cool video for those of us who dig Gmail.
Brave women defying custom. More here.
Very moving story by Anderson Cooper.
Travel advisory from the Miami Herald.
"Puritan Politics." This shit just makes me angry.

If You Haven't Already

See Rent.

Do it. You'll love it.

La Vie Boheme

Too Much?

The problem with getting sick is that it messes up all your plans. I am supposed to be done with my first semester of grad school by now. I'm supposed to have all of that under my belt and be concentrating on what to get whom for Christmas. Instead, I'm worrying about make-up work and finals and when/how I'm going to get this done. I also have the cute little quirk of trying to do everything at once all by myself. I'm a horrible judge of "realistically, can I do this?" That's my conundrum now. I feel able to jump back into things, but my gut is nagging me not to. I don't like this. I want to be 100%. I should be back into it. I just feel like I'm laying around all day doing nothing and failing everything.

Being sick sucks.

And Now, As They Say, the Rest of the Story

Well, if you haven't heard by now, you're probably living in a cave stealing internet service and don't really know what a "blog" is.

If that's true - welcome, welcome to my blog.

If not - I've been a little sick. And by a little, I mean I'm typing this from my hospital bed.

Let's back up.

I was moderately sick almost all of last week. One of those "it's getting cold and it's finals time, so I'd better get sick" things. I didn't have to go in to school on Monday and I stayed home on Tuesday because I was still feeling sick. Wednesday I felt much better. I went to school, felt a little dizzy walking to my office, but I figured it was just because I hadn't gotten out and about for a few days. Thursday comes around and I feel worse than ever. So I stayed home - and puked my guts out all day. Ok, I know what you're thinking "come on, puking all day? Right." No really. No one has ever spoken this statement and meant it more than I do right now. I counted. I threw up 6 times on Thursday. I couldn't keep anything down; I was afraid to brush my teeth because I thought some of the toothpaste would trickle down my gullet and cause me to projectile vomit all over the bathroom mirror. I threw up three times because I drank a bottle of water. By time 4 I knew I was getting dehydrated. Sam was at work, so when he called to check on me I had a laundry list of dehydration-preventing supplies - gatorade, ginger ale, popsicles, etc. By the time he got home, I had passed the 5 vomit mark. I think my exact words when I got off the phone with him were "I have to let you go now - I need to throw up again." And I did. By this time, my throat and teeth were rotting away because of all the stomach acid I was pushing through them (not really, but it felt like it). The rest of the evening went relatively smoothly; I was able to drink quite a bit of gatorade and water and only reach a cool half dozen trips to the toilet. (Side note - I got so tired of going back and forth to the bathroom that I made myself a sad little pallet on the bathroom floor and bonded with a hand towel that became my pillow for quite a while. I even made a special place on the floor under the other towels for easy reachability when I was lying on the floor. And I named him Hank.)

So, it becomes night time and I'm exhausted, what with all the heaving, so I go to bed. This is when it really starts to get interesting folks. Sam stays up for a while, because it's probably only about 9:30 and decides to make a pallet for himself on the floor so it'll wake him up when I (inevitably) stumble out of bed in need of fluids or the toilet or something. Two things he fails to take into consideration: 1. The man has slept through gunfire and didn't even roll over. No joke - ask him about it. 2. Almost the minute I fell asleep I started hallucinating. Hard core, psychedelic, I have no idea what's real and what's not hallucinations. Now, for those of you who don't know - I am a dream believer. I've had many mornings where I woke up and it took about 15 minutes for me to realize that I didn't win the lotto and buy everything I wanted. That happens a lot. These weren't dreams. I think there was something about minions or a crew and I'm pretty sure I thought I was Elphaba for most of the night (if you don't know -SHAME! Look it up.)

Once the hallucinations started, my memory goes fuzzy as the next events. I do remember several things happening: I got up several times for the bathroom and wound up falling asleep on the floor with my feet in the tub and my head on Hank (see above reference). And, I think this happened last, I ran out of water and decided I could get it myself. Turns out I couldn't and wound up passing out on the kitchen floor for about 30 minutes. After I woke up, I yelled for Sam and he, looking very panicked and confused and to how/why I was in the kitchen on the floor, helped me get water and got me back to bed.

After this, it was Saturday. I have no remembrance of Friday. I lost Friday. For an account of Friday, see Sam's posts.

The next thing I remember is waking up with tubes coming out every which way and being asked hard questions like "where are you?" and "what day is it?" (I got the first one right, at the next one, I apparently looked at the person asking and replied in my best 'I-just-woke-up-from-a-coma-you-jackass' tone "I don't know." I'm pretty sure that if I had been able to move, I would have done the Dane Cook "Ohmygod *snif* I'm late!" move, except mine wouldn't have been ohmygod, I slept through work, it would have gone something like "Ohmygod! *Snif* I slept through Friday!" What kind of excuse do you have for sleeping through an entire day?? I can't even try to pull off an excuse. I should skip right to dumping on his chest. (Again, if you don't know - SHAME!!)

So, I stayed in ICU until Sunday when they rolled me up to the regular ward where I met my new roomie the incredible farting, snoring, gotta-watch-four-hours-of-soaps-and-informercials-all day 91 year old woman who has the incredibly endearing quirk of yelling "BATHROOM" everytime she needs a nurse to help her use the bathroom. Which, don't get me wrong, isn't actually in the bathroom where you can shut the door - nay friend. Her personal toilet is 2 feet from my bed. Literally, if (god forbid) I drew back the curtain I would be face to freaking face with her poop pot. (Elaine, I don't think I've told you lately that you were a joy to live with. Thank you for not pooping near my bed.)

Now, I'm all set and ready to go home (which they should let me do tomorrow). The only reason I had to stay today, is that I've had a low to moderate grade fever since I got here (which probably had something to do with the fact that my white blood cells were inside my body going "what?!? Are you kidding us here? Let's just watch - let's see what happens here, guys.")

I finally got my sense of humor back today. I've heard it's the last to give up and the last to return. (I just made that up, but it's pretty good, right? Ah, screw you.) If they don't let me go tomorrow, I'm gonna have to resort to some hard core charming. I've been periodically making mental notes of witty things to say:

"No, it's not a fever - I'm just this hot!"

That's all I've got. I think of others while waiting for the vampires to come steal my blood away at all crazy hours of the night.

UPDATE: I just realized I referenced something that I didn't actually post about, but emailed Amanda about. The last two nights I haven't slept much at all (probably about 3 hours each) and I think it has something to do with the fact that the nurses and orderlies think 2-4:30 is the optimal time to draw blood. So I just sit here, waiting, knowing they're going to come in, flip the overhead light on, and sing-song that familiar "time to take some blood Ms. Jackson!" as soon as I close my eyes.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!

It's official - it's Christmas time! The tree has gone up and is decorated. Isn't it beautiful? It took us almost all day Sunday to decide on and find decorations for our new tree.

Phoebe loves the tree. When it's lit up, she sits under it like she's a cute little present. But, of course, it's all for her...

List 'O Doom

So, Bill O'Reilly's blacklist of "Media Operations that Traffic in Defamation" is up. And, well... I've gotta say that I'm really very disappointed. I was really hoping for some new reading materials, but the list is... uninspiring. So far, only the New York Times, The St. Petersburg Times, and MSNBC have made the list. Come on, O'Reilly! You can do better than that! I mean, one of them is a rival TV station for crying out loud! And did you really have to stretch to list the Times? Was that one a suprise to anyone? Have a little imagination!

Apparently these are the "worst offenders" of the "media operations [that] have regularly helped distribute defamation and false information supplied by far left websites." But have no fear, "In the months to come, we expect to add more names to this list." Bill also recommends "that you do not patronize these operations and that advertisers do the same. They are dishonest and not worth your time and money."

(Don't worry, I've linked to all of them above in case you do believe that they are worth your time and money.)

It's Much Worse Than We Thought, Folks

How do you tell someone that they are truly making the worst mistakes of their lives? How do you convince them of this when the only person that they listen to is saying completely the opposite?

You know it's bad when a die-hard feminist as myself wants to grab this person by the shirt and yell "Grow a pair!! Learn to think for yourself!!"

Out of respect for this person's family, who I love and care for dearly, this is all I will say on the matter. However, I can only bite my tongue for so much longer before I taste blood.

Here's To You, Mr. President

Esquire Magazine has named former President Bill Clinton as the world's most influential man. They have designated him as "the most powerful agent of change in the world" and highlights his accomplishments in the December issue. According to the Reuters article:

Since leaving office, Clinton has been so active that his post-presidency amounts to "a third term" for the Democrat who held the White House from 1992 to 2000, the magazine said. He has tackled global issues from AIDS, poverty and global warming to the recovery from last December's Indian Ocean tsunami.

I saw someone reading it on the plane flying to Arkansas. I'll probably write more about it after I read it.

Glorious

There are no words.

Thanks to A Socialite's Life for this.

Ugg, Just... Ugg

Welcome back to the dark ages, folks. According to The Guardian Unlimited (emphasis mine):

The lord chancellor and the director of public prosecutions are to be asked to look into a rape case which collapsed yesterday after the alleged victim told the jury she was unconscious from too much drink and could not remember what happened.

The prosecution dropped the case after the woman's cross-examination, saying "drunken consent is still consent". The judge directed the jury to find the defendant not guilty "even if you don't agree".

So, to recap - the judge in this case told the jury to find the defendant not guilty because the victim was drunk and couldn't remember what happened. This is blaming the victim to the nth degree. She was drunk so it's alright. This is one of the most disgusting arguements I've ever heard - "personal responsibility" which basically states if the victim is drunk, it's his/her fault but if the defendant is drunk, s/he didn't know what s/he was doing. How does that work? How does that make any sense?!?

One giant leap backwards for humankind.

Clash of the Titans

Oprah and David Letterman's long standing feud is about to be history! Oprah has accepted Letterman's long-standing invitation to be a guest on the show. The date has been set as December 1st and will probably not be as exciting as all of us Letterman fans are hoping, but I plan on watching it anyway.

Micheal Brown: Disaster Consultant

No, this is no joke. Former FEMA director Micheal Brown is starting a disaster preparedness consulting firm. So, let me get this straight - he's starting a consulting firm to help prepare firms for disasters.

Brown said officials need to "take inventory" of what's going on in a disaster to be able to answer questions to avoid appearing unaware of how serious a situation is.

Really? Hmmm...

"Hurricane Katrina showed how bad disasters can be, and there's an incredible need for individuals and businesses to understand how important preparedness is," he said.

Yes, yes it did. But... wait... weren't you the one who weren't prepared? Wasn't it you, Mr. Brown, who had no idea what to do during the worst natural disaster to affect the United States? And now you think you're qualified to get paid to tell people how to prepare for disasters?

Yes, yes, I'm sure you'll have loads of clients.

Shout it Loud, Sister Friend

Shakespear's Sister has such an amazing post about US Weekly's cover on Angelina Jolie that I must share it. To quote:

... I truly cannot believe that a magazine had the audacity to suggest on its cover that a woman who is a successful, intelligent, self-sufficient single mother to two children (pictured, by the way, taking her son to a museum), not to mention one of the most highly paid people in her field and a UN good will ambassador, who can fly an airplane, has multiple citizenships, and has won top awards in her profession, ought to get married for any reason.

A marriage certificate is no guarantee that people will stay together forever, anyway, nor that married parents automatically make better parents—two points to which anyone with two brain cells knocking together can surely acquiesce. So what bloody reason is there to imply Angelina should get married, aside from the lingering puritanism that likes to pretend only healthy children are raised in “traditional families” and the indelible sexism that still regards an unmarried woman as incomplete, no matter how successful and fulfilled she is?

Perhaps the only thing at which Angelina hasn’t been successful is marriage. So maybe she’s gun-shy; maybe she’s decided marriage isn’t for her; maybe she just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about convention, considering she will likely never have to be concerned with the financial protections marriage provides to most mothers and children; maybe they’re already secretly married. Whatever her reason, it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference, because none of it has any bearing on her ability to be a good mother, which, by all accounts, she is.

Can I get an Amen?!

See it all here.

Domestic Violence (Finally) in the News

The WHO (the World Health Organization, not the band) has just released the results of a huge domestic violence study. The findings are, apparently, huge and one of the first of it's kind.

The first-ever World Health Organization (WHO) study on domestic violence reveals that intimate partner violence is the most common form of violence in womenÂ’s lives - much more so than assault or rape by strangers or acquaintances. The study reports on the enormous toll physical and sexual violence by husbands and partners has on the health and well-being of women around the world and the extent to which partner violence is still largely hidden.

While I'm incrediblygratefull and thankful that worldwide attention is being paid to the issue of domestic violence, it makes me think "duh." Domestic violence is a horrifically widespread problem and has been for way too long. That people are astonished by the rates this report gives astonishes me. How do people not realize how many women are abused by their partners? It just makes me sad how people turn a blind eye to the more important issues.

On that note, it makes me want to shoot myself that on Google News, this story has 114 related stories while Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's divorce has 413 related stories.

Indie Chick

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness! Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Sweet! Where's the Cash?

My blog is worth $564.54.
much is your blog worth?

Cold...Grumble Grumble Grumble...

I hate cold weather. In fact, I loathe being cold. I try desperately to deny that winter exists by warding it off by wearing flip-flops 9 out of the 12 months of the year. I hate having to dress like that kid from A Christmas Story to go outside only to have to strip to my skivvies because it's so hot once I get inside (since someone has turned the heat up to 'Bake' because no one can stand the cold.)

Now, before you Northern-types get all huffy with "Cold? You call that cold?!?" let me just say yes. Yes I do call this cold. I am from the South, I live in the South, I like Southern temperatures. (Can a sister get an amen?) Keep your near freezing wind chills - I'd rather have suffocating humidity. And don't give me that "you can put more clothes on if you're cold but you can't take more clothes off if you're hot" crap. Yes you can. And you can also have iced drinks, swimming pools, and other fun cool down activities when it's hot. During winter what do you have? Huddling in front of the fire trying to ward off hypothermia. Fun.

I'm like a tropical plant. Once it gets around 50 degrees, I've gotta stay inside with a blanket wrapped around me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go gather nuts for my hibernation. I'll see you in Spring.

30 Glorious Facts

How have I never seen this site before yesterday?? How is this possible? The hours I spend wading through crap site after crap site and I never came across this gem? Simply atrocious.

Without further adieu, I give you The Top 30 Facts About Chuck Norris. Some of my favorites:

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

There is also The Top 30 Vin Diesel Facts (When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.) and The Top 30 Mr. T Facts (23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.)

You can vote for random Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T facts or submit your own.

I promise that you will spend no less than one hour on this site. It's more addicting than meth.

Only In My Dreams

I have crazy dreams. Let me just start by saying that. Most of the time I wake up, tell Sam about them, then forget all about it by lunch. Not today. Today I feel I must tell the world my dream.

Last night MacGyver was in my dream.

And he saved me.

This is all Sam's fault. I had never watched MacGyver until the king of corny TV shows (no kidding - I had to just get off the phone with him because he's watching Boy Meets World) came along.

So, my dream is a little fuzzy now, but I'll give you the overview: I was in high school and for some reason there was a guy who was after me. So MacGyver was there to be my bodyguard. Well, the guy grabs me and takes me to his shack where he freaks out and starts screaming and pointing a gun at me. I start crying and freaking out (like you do) and MacGyver comes in and tries to talk the guy down. That doesn't work. The guy shoots at me, but misses (which is weird because he was at point-blank range) and MacGyver takes him out. After that, MacGyver and I are friends for life.


I hate myself.

None of This Really Goes Together...

...but I'm putting it all in the same post anyway.

John Cusack - not just a pretty face and excellent actor. Mr. Cusack has written quite a post on The Huffington Post.

Bill O'Reilly is a dick. But what else is new? He's started a "smear site/anti-military internet crowd" list on his website. One question - How do I get on?

If Fox News had been around throughout history... *shudder* Oh, the humanity!

I swear, later I'll have a non-political posting, I promise.

Saying Goodbye to a Dear Old Friend

Tonight we, here in the Jackson-Browning household, suffered the loss of a friend who has been with us (well, me) for over four years.

Tonight, my green flip-flops - the first flip-flops I ever bought - broke.

The tragedy happened as we were walking into Wal-Mart. Sam was walking behind me and acccidentally stepped on the back of my flip-flops. I kept walking and stepped through the flip-flop breaking the top part of it. I was devistated. Sam was devistated. We were both devistated - and we still had to go about our Wal-Mart shopping trip. It was awful.

Now we have both faced the facts that my flip-flop cannot be saved and thus must be "let go." I must say, however, that I am taking this loss MUCH better than Sam is. I think he has issues with death.

The Daily Show Glory

Today I discovered a couple of sites I hadn't seen before. Wonderful sites full of - could it be? - The Daily Show clips. *Blissful sigh* And now, I share them with you.

Some of the Best:

The one with Bill O'Reilly





The one after the inaguration
The one, of many, about Pat Robertson









The links to the pages I've been scrolling through all day: Google Video, OneGoodMove, and YouTube. Have fun.

Nothing Like a Little Snark in the Morning

Thanks to The Daily Kos for these images. There are more, you should check it out.

Why I Want to Bring Back Public Floggings

1. Pat Robertson - "I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city... And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there."

2. Micheal Brown - still on the federal payroll at his $148,000 annual salary; asked "Can we use these people?" when told that medical equipment people have a 42-foot trailer full of beds, wheelchairs, oxygen concentrators, etc. and were waiting for his direction to go into hurricane ravaged areas.

3. Bill O'Reilly - "If Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you [San Franciscoo] up, we're not going to do anything about it," he continued. "We're going to say, 'look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.'"

4. Bill O'Reilly (Again? Imagine that...) - "I don't believe most people who aren't Christian are offended by the words 'Merry Christmas.' I think those people are nuts." When guest Philip Nulman, an advertising and marketing executive, said that using the phrases "Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays" does not offend Christians, O'Reilly disagreed. "It absolutely does," he said. "And I know that for a fact."

That's enough for now. I'm starting to twitch.

Oh No! It's the Heat!

Sam offically got hired by the Columbus Police Department yesterday. (Better watch out Sipowicz, there's a new face of law enforcment.) However, I didn't show the appropriate amount of excitement when he told me his news. (It's true. I didn't.) So, to make up for that, I'm dedicating an entire post to Sam's budding law enforcement career and my excitement about it.

Congratulations sweetie. I'm proud of you.

Here's to many years of "*Bang bang bang* Open up!", "Do you know why I pulled you over?" and let's not forget "Ok, sonny Jim, what do you think you're doing, eh?"

:-)

This is Funny Stuff!

Thanks to BIll-in-Portland of The Daily Kos for this:

"Last month, the Senate voted for a ban on torture 90-9. You heard me correctly: Nine United States Senators refused to vote against torture. Those senators included Illinois Democrat Thumbscrews McGee, Iowa's Cattleprod von Analpair and, of course, Ted Stevens [of] Alaska."---Jon Stewart
-
"What's the next best thing to simply hiring ethical people [in the White House]? Explain to the crooks and liars you hired instead how ethical people would act."---Randi Rhodes
-
"It was reported this week that when he was in college, Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito supported gay rights. Apparently, his exact words were, `Let's get Jenn and Stacy drunk and see if they make out.'" ---Conan O'Brien
-
"The [rioting] immigrants, mainly North African Muslims, are upset that they're being shunned by French society. They feel alienated, scorned, looked down upon. Apparently, they're unaware this is a common situation known as Being French."---Rob Corddry
-
"New Rule: I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George Bush went to Yale. The End."---Bill Maher

David Shuster, You're My Hero...

You need to watch this Hardball clip and then come back to finish reading my post. Do it.

...

Ok, I'm going to trust that you've watched the clip. A few thoughts I had about it:

1. Seeing it all laid out like this is jaw dropping. It's such a masterfully evil plan. As Shakespeare's Sister said "seeing it all again, all at once, is enough to make you want to drive to the White House and just start punching people randomly." I totally agree.

2. So, everyone in the White House has the same speech writer. "we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud." At least rephrase it, people, come on!

3. How are there still people who believe anything that this administration says?? This is insanity. I swear, a democratic President who pulled this shit wouldn'tve made it to his second term.

4. How much does Chris Matthews resemble the SNL sketch? It's sick. I love it.

This is just one more reason, Sam, you shouldn't read/watch the news...

By the way, how much do you love this picture:

It's saved on my computer as "tiny cheney globe"

What I Do When I'm at Work: Part IV

Bobby Brown + Mike Tyson + The Monster Mash = Damn good television.
Halo + Tommy Boy = weird, but funny
Now this kid's got some moves!
"Illegal photographing?" Wow, I really think this lady is schitzo...
Great Daily Show segment about gay marriage. This guy actually asks Ed Helms if he's going to ask him serious questions.
Clocky - no, this is not a piece of poop on wheels; it's an actual product! Watch the video clips.

More of What I Do When I'm at Work

Guy totally rockin out at Best Buy (This is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time)
Car chase - Sam you'll appreciate this one
This is a great ad. Kudos to whoever came up with this one.
Live on-the spot news + drunk people = great video.

Now for some awesome lip syncing!
Almost as good as System of a Down...
Asian Backstreet Boys
The best of the best

How to Make Sweet Tea

1. Put water in the pot.
2. Put pot on stove; turn burner on.
3. Put tea bag in pot.
4. Put 1/3 cup Splenda in pot.
5. Put lid on pot.

Do you see "fire" anywhere in these instructions? Me neither. Apparently Sam did, though. (Check out his post about it.)

I was reading in the living room while calling tea making instructions to Sam (he's never made sweet tea before... bless his heart). There was a lot of clanging, him asking questions I'd already answered, and me calling the answers in the tone of "Are you freaking kidding me? How complicated can this be?!?" It was sweet.

And then I hear softly "I think I have a problem..."

So I look over expecting to see him trying to fit the wrong lid on the pot. But no, I see fire. The tag on the end of the tea bag has stayed too long on the burner and caught fire. Sam blows it out. It goes out - and promptly relights. Bigger. He blows it out - it promtly relights again - bigger still. He blows it out again and it stays out this time. The whole time he's been muttering, exclaiming, and swearing under his breath. When it finally goes out, he stares at it for a second and then turns around to see if I've noticed.

I'd noticed.

I'm also laughing so hard I'm crying. Which makes him start laughing harder than I've ever seen him laugh. After Sam starts choaking from laughing too hard and the small amount of smoke the fire produced, I say "A problem? You think you have a problem? Your tea bag is on fire, Ace. I'd say that's a problem." Which promptly sets us both off again.

Step 4.5 - Put out fire.

I Got a Hug Today

From someone I don't know. It was odd and sweet at the same time. This girl in the class I TA for needed some help studying for the next test. I told her about a study guide booklet and we talked about it for a few mintues. Then she thanked me and gave me a hug.

More people should give out hugs as thank yous. I believe the world would be a nicer place if we had more physical contact with other people. Everyone is always in their own world concentrating on themselves - if we hugged more, we might, at least, realize that there are other people around.

If You Can't Be An Artist...

...support them.

Great art blogs I've found. (I'm open for more suggestions.)

J.I. Fine
ghettonomad
I love this picture of Memphis
CameraToss - Pictures taken while the camera is being tossed, thrown, dropped, or otherwise moving.

A different kind of art: Poetry

I love art.

Ok, Technically Now It's More Than 300 Words

I feel I didn't sufficiently explain why I'm torn about the situation. So I'll try:

1. MFT is harder. There's waaay more work involved in the MFT track plus I'm two classes behind already because I didn't take some of the classes this semester.

2. If I do MFT, I'm not sure I'll be able to do the research that I've become interested in. I'd be doing more clinical work than research and I'd probably be using clinical work for my thesis. I'm really into my topic (adolescent sexuality) so I'd rather do work on it.

3. I don't know if I want to even do clinical work anymore. I'm not so good with whiny people.

There's other reasons. I'll add to the list as I think of them.

My Major Career Decision in Under 300 Words

A little background: I am at Auburn getting my masters in the HDFS program (Human Development and Family Studies). Within this program there is a MFT (Marriage and Family Therapy) track - basically what you study to be a marriage and family therapist. Applying to Auburn, this is what I wanted to do. They only take 6 students to be in this track and I was picked as number 7. So, I come anyway and do the HDFS program because there's a strong possibility that I can reapply next year and get into the MFT program. I get to Auburn and I'm a TA for an undergrad class. I've gotten to teach several classes and I love it. I absolutely love it. Now I want to be a professor. I've found research that I want to do and I'm lovin that, so I think I've got down my track here, I know what I'm doing.

Today, the professor that I TA for tells me that there's an opening in the MFT group and I can start now if I want - I wouldn't have to wait a year. I tell him that I think I want to be a professor because I really liked teaching. He says, that's cool and all, but I could get my masters in MFT and my PhD in HDFS (what he's done) and be a professor.

Now what?

I like what I'm doing, but who knows if I'd like MFT more? (I tend to change my mind a bit.) I need to let them know soon because they're going to offer the spot to someone else.

Just when I think I know what I'm doing...

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

You've probably seen this before, but what the hell. It's still good.

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Yes, This Is What It Seems

Let me just say, I am my father's daughter.

Obligatory Halloween Post

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't post some Halloween pictures? I know you're dying to see them.




Scuba Sam











Scuba Sam in the pool. Yes, it was cold. Yes, he had so much fun. I mean, just look at that face!







Me, the Gypsy Queen, doing something odd with my hands.





I took this one all by myself.

...it looks a little distorted...