Does your young dog suffer from a condition known as "Puppy Breath?"
Fish oil capsules aren't just for people anymore!
If you find a good companion, who is following the same spiritual path, travel together, overcoming obstacles as they arise.. - Buddha
I usually hate these, but alas... some are true...
Women can tell if a man is the kind of man who likes women.
Women like a man who likes women who like to eat.
An unsolicited kiss is to a woman as free playoff tickets are to a man.
Even better: flowers on days that aren't Valentine's Day, anniversaries, or birthdays.
Speaking of flowers, they are most effective when delivered to her workplace.
Getting back to kissing: more lip.
Less tongue.
The small of the back, the nape of the neck, behind the knees.
While the occasional quick love bite is, in context, welcome, that incessant animal-in-a-leg-trap gnawing: no.
As a rule, even if she wears a thong the first time you see her unclothed, she prefers white cotton panties.
As a rule, women don't like heels.
Should she decide to wear heels anyway, have the confidence to support her decision, even if they make her taller than you.
If you ask about her previous boyfriend and she gets a small, wistful smile on her face, change the subject.
You have no previous girlfriend.
If she doesn't believe you when you say you have no previous girlfriend, admit to only one and offer: "She was unintelligent, a bad dresser, lousy in bed, couldn't cook, and had warts on her nipples."
It also doesn't hurt to add that you like pets, enjoy children, volunteer often, and think, if only the church weren't against the use of condoms, you could have joined the priesthood.
Never let her arrive at an event alone.
Sometimes women want it when you don't, and for you not to give in on such occasions sets a terrible precedent.
Her job is just as important as yours.
If she works out, compliment her muscles.
When asked if she looks fat, even if it's the one thousandth time, you must be always at the ready with an immediate, confident "Suuu-eeeeeee!"
That was a joke.
Not a joke, and a phrase you should commit to memory: "Of course you don't look fat."
No, you were not looking at that other woman.
First-date don'ts: overdress, underdress, show up too early, show up too late, or talk too much about yourself.
Relationship helper. Please complete: anniversary date:___; birthday:___; dress size:___; shoe size:___; bra size:___.
Know that while Rhett Butler can get away with telling Scarlett O'Hara that she "should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how," you cannot.
Only acceptable pickup line: "Hi, my name is [insert your name]. What's yours?"
On PMS: The fact that she knows hormones are causing her temporary crankiness doesn't make the feelings any less real, so cut her some slack.
At those times when she criticizes your mood, it's okay to remind her of how you always cut her some slack on PMS days.
Do not expect this gambit to work.
Don't insult her friends, even if she does.
More than anything else, women want you to make them laugh.
Women are less excited about receiving gifts of lingerie than you are about giving them.
Women are less excited about sleeping with another woman for your viewing pleasure than you are.
Men always overestimate the size of their wives' or girlfriends' chests even as they underestimate the size of their wives' or girlfriends' hips.
Wishful thinking is bad for your relationship.
Avoid a woman who competes with her mother or her sister.
Embrace a woman who is best friends with either.
Women dislike men who are liars.
Women like men who have close friends.
No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you're looking at her breasts.
Second-date don'ts: See first-date don'ts, plus don't presume that you're now entitled to sex.
Going shopping with more than one woman at any given time will consume a minimum of seventeen hours that could have been spent napping.
Contrary to popular belief, an out-of-shape man is just as unappealing to a woman as an out-of-shape woman is to a man.
Women want you to pay for dinner.
It's pointless to argue with her if you're not going to win.
You're not going to win.
A good woman is as excited about a gift that costs nothing as she is about a gift that costs a lot.
Women have to pay more for their haircuts, dry cleaning, and shoes, and this upsets them.
Women have to buy new outfits every season, and this makes them happy.
Should you hit it off with a woman, perhaps think you are soul mates, and fall into bed in an unclothed, heavy-breathing, romance-novel tangle, and, in the heat of it all, she moans, "Daddy," do not even attempt to put your pants on until you are in the car.
The idea of love at first sight, though attractive to women in theory, terrifies them in practice.
The quirky perfect gift that shows you've been listening is worth twice the value of anything you can find at Tiffany's.
Of course, it doesn't hurt if the quirky perfect gift happens to be from Tiffany's.
Gifts that may be quirky but never perfect: a blender, a beater, a vacuum cleaner, or a waffle iron.
While yes sometimes means no, no always means no, as does her ordering the garlicky pesto sauce, twirling her hair around her finger while gazing absently into space, and getting up from the table to go to the ladies' room and never returning.
Third-date don'ts: See first- and second-date don'ts, plus don't start talking about how you never want to have children or, for that matter, how you want to have children immediately.
Women, much like men, are human, and thus appreciate it when you ask them questions about themselves.
Most women do not like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker, which is why every man must take up at least one of these hobbies, because, while unin-teresting, they allow for the woman-free consumption of liquor and the unfettered discussion of, you know, women.
Those few women who do like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker are the reason God invented the Elks club.
Never ask a woman why she's mad at you, as she will only get madder at your not knowing.
One follow-up to an unreturned phone call is acceptable; two is stalking.
If you're single, the tango will do the trick. If you're married, the tango will also do the trick. Possibly even with your wife.
Women do not desire to be introduced to a new brand of perfume.
Women do not wish to be trifled with should they, on occasion, order dessert.
Less than .05 percent of the male population is attractive enough to ignore chivalry, and most women over the age of twenty-five prefer to admire such men from a distance.
Don't kiss and tell, even if you're really proud of yourself.
Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.
Showering a woman with gifts after the first date is the romantic equivalent of a comb-over.
Women who come from big families are more fun.
Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
Women, despite all your years of trying to understand them, including your intimate familiarity with Freudian psychology, the occasional intelligence- gathering glance at Cosmo, and the memorization of these seventy-three things a man should know about them, will always remain a mystery.
Survival Of The FittestWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
Out of all the things that happened this year, watching Bill O’Reilly get intellectually bitch-slapped by an eight year old, scripted or not, was one of the funniest moments of the year.
If you’ve never seen the infamous video, in which a young girl accuses the Republican party of killing more people than rap music and video games (a true fact), calls God fictitious (if that’s not true, prove it), and claims children should learn empathy in place of divisive religious beliefs; watch every second of it:Bill O’Reilly decried the video as an act of child abuse. I guess because she used the word “ass” and told the truth about religion’s bloody history? In the spirit of fair and objective journalism, I will put O’Reilly’s stupid-ass side of the argument up as well:
Did you catch that? This is what the “child advocate” said:
“Using a child as a tool to promote propaganda, political propaganda, about which the child understands nothing… is the ultimate inhumane treatment of a child.”
So teaching a child empathy, logic, and the use of scientific and statistical knowledge to critique the theories of half-cocked pundits like Bill O’Reilly; tops child rape, child beating, and child pornography on the list of ways to inhumanely treat a child. That’s rich. Not to mention the child was “acting.”
Really? The ultimate inhumane treatment of a child? Are you sure? Why don't you get back to us on that one.
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